One would say change is good. In some cases, that's true. In my case, not so.
I know it's been just over two months from my last post. The first month was just being pure busy and lose of bloggy mojo. I think the lose of bloggy mojo has actually taken a life of it's own this year, to be perfectly honest. However, because of the events from the second month, this past month, to be accurate, I vow to be more present in my blog.....and this is why....
You might want to grab your coffee and a chair. I'll try not to make this too long but I have been gone over two months so you know there has to be an explanation.
Let me start from the beginning....
Last year we had planned our annual vacation. We were excited and anticipating the arrival. We had planned on Disney World (the three of us had already been in 2010). In the early months leading up, my in-laws (MIL, FIL and SIL) all planned to join because my FIL really wanted to spend this special time with his grand-daughter. He's worried he won't be around long (he's 65 yrs) because of genetics so, that was fine and understandable to us. My MIL on the other hand, was really worried about the humidity. We have "hot" here in California but it's a dry heat. Something we can handle a lot easier cause well, we're accustomed to it.
So, anyways.....last month, Sept. 12th, my MIL says to my FIL, while they were alone at home, "Ya know, I'm really looking forward to this Disney World trip". I'm sure my FIL had a bit of a relief to know she just may enjoy herself.
The next morning, a regular morning, my husband gets ready for work, my daughter gets ready for school and I, would have usually just thrown clothes on cause I had a morning walk to do, decided to also take a shower and get ready. A little odd for my Thurs. morning routine. After I had gotten out of the shower and got dressed, the phone rang. It was 7:40am. I pick it up to see who it was. I noticed it was my MIL name so I said to my daughter "here, it's grandma". My daughter answers and she sounds a bit frantic and says "Mommy, here!!" I answer and it's my SIL. She is crying uncontrollably. She's telling me something and I'm trying to make sense of it. When I finally could understand, this is what I heard, repeatedly..."MY MOM. SHE PASSED AWAY!!!" My initial reactions were a combination of "This isn't making sense. It couldn't be. Is this a joke?? Maybe she is just over-reacting". What I was hearing all happened in just a matter of seconds. I immediately got my husband and gave him the phone, to where he then had to hear and make sense of what I just learned. He kept frantically asking "Are you sure???" and "What happened???" and then "We'll be there in a few minutes!!!" Meanwhile in the middle of this, my daughter started screaming/crying and fell to the ground, as I tried to console her as I cried but the scene was so much more chaotic than I can even put into text. My husband was yelling at us to be quiet so he could hear through my SIL's cries.
My hair was still wrapped in my towel on my head and I didn't have any shoes on. I pulled the towel off and grabbed my flip flops and we were out the door. That drive had to of been the longest drive ever to my in-law's house that I have ever taken. Not only was I hitting the morning commute traffic, but I managed to hit practically every light manageable. Not even that, the three of us (yes, my daughter didn't make it to school that day. There was no way she could have concentrated at school.) were crying, trying to make sense of the news we just received. We tried to reason and think, "Maybe "SIL" was just over-reacting! Yeah, maybe she's just so upset that she's worried that "MIL" won't be okay". These conversations continued through the drive there. Once we arrived though, my husband knew as soon as he saw the three cop cars and one ambulance. "She's gone!! The cops wouldn't be here if she was still alive!!"
The next 11 hours consisted of making sense of what happened, consoling each other and making funeral arrangements. My FIL always thought he would go first. So much so that he even had all his funeral arrangements taken care of and paid for. This was so completely unexpected! We had a vacation to still go to two weeks later. Without her now? How is this even going to possibly work? How are we going to manage to even enjoy ourselves knowing she was supposed to be with us? My FIL still wanted to go though. Maybe he thought this would help him? Maybe he needed this break away? I don't know.
We went and needless to say...it was so very difficult. It wasn't the Happiest Place on Earth for us. While everyone was enjoying themselves, we were just trying to cope and handle our feelings. Some times feeling guilty if we even started to have fun.
My MIL had diabetes. She didn't have it under control. She was also hypoglycemic and had sleep apnea. Ultimately, it was her diabetes. She was only 62 yrs old. So, please....if you have diabetes, please keep it under control. Take care of yourself!! It's so important!!
Now, my MIL kept journals. She started writing in the 70's. Things that made her happy, things that make her sad. She was open to her journal with all her emotions. We have not read them. Only a few people have. I think it's so cool though. She kept a history of her life in her journals. Her thoughts and memories are there, still, not lost now that she is gone. This is where my blog comes in. I've always said my blog was my online journal of my thoughts of current happenings and feelings. I would also post things from the past when I felt like sharing, but now I feel like sharing more of my past for my daughter. So when I'm gone, my feelings, emotions and memories won't be lost also. I also have been wanting to turn my blog into books, by year. I feel it is crucial for my daughter to know me. Not just me, the mommy, but the me before I was a mommy.
Also, next month is my MIL's birthday so I'm going to make all of my November posts in tribute to her and share stories about her.
In Loving Memory
Nov. 16, 1949 - Sept. 13, 2012