Friday, October 23, 2009

Identity Crisis

It all came to a head yesterday. I was talking with my mom last night on the phone and the conversation went something like this:

Me: You think I'm a nice person, right?

Mom: *hesitation* Well, yes honey. You're a nice person.

Me: You think I'm a nice person mom, don't you?!

Then my daughter chimes in by my face into the phone "Mommy's a nice person!!"
(Awww, my precious angel! I do love her so much!)


That was enough for me. It bothered me so much that I called my mom on the way to work to share my feeling and poured my feelings out. Tears and all.

My mom felt so bad and reassured me that she didn't mean it the way it came out. That of course I'm a nice person that I just have my moments. My moments. My MOMENTS?

She said that I get mad easily is all.

Yes, I have a temper! I have German in me. I have a lack of tolerance for ignorance, laziness, lying and just plain rudeness. *sigh*


All day today at work I felt a bit...hmm...taken back by what my mom said and what my dad said. My feeling were hurt. BAD! So that's where I started thinking today.

Even though I have a very bad temper, does that honestly overshadow my otherwise goofy, silly, bubbly, ding dong self? I mean seriously! When I'm gone, are people going to remember me as the "girl who was always getting mad"? I am so sick over this!

Then when I got home from work, I shared my feelings with my husband and asked him the same question. Are people going to remember me as the "girl who was always getting mad"? He said "yes". At that point, I just broke down and needed to be by myself.

I never thought of myself that way. I know I am serious and that I get annoyed and irritated with people but I don't think most of it is without good cause. Sure, maybe I let somethings get to me easier than other times. Just depends on Mother Nature too. Honestly though, I think of myself more so as goofy and bubbly.

Am I having a semi mid-life crisis??? Seriously?!

Now that I've had time to think things out, write my thoughts down and I can think a little more clearly. I know I'm a good person. I am friendly with people. The kids at mydaughters school loves when I go to the school and help out. They even give me hugs. I have a couple BFF's. One who really confided in me and said that I was a good person. That has to account for something, right?! It all turns sour though when someone gets nasty or rude with me and I snap or get an attitude. Sure, maybe I need to relax and not let the small stuff get to me. I am trying, really I am.

Does that really make me not a nice person though? Does that really overshadow the good?

I don't know. I'm completely at a lose right now. Who am I? Am I really who I thought I was? Or am I who everyone apparently sees me as?


Maven said...

I'm brand new to your blog but have to thankyou for posting something so honest. These are questions we can all ask ourselves and it's the indication of a good person who is self reflective.

Nice to meet you!

Denise said...

Honestly...NO ONE would remember you as a rude or hot-tempered person. That would NEVER be something they would say about you if you were gone. IF anything, they'd laugh about the times you did this or that when you were a little upset.

I think EVERYONE has a side to them when they are upset. EVERYONE. I think you are a sweet and funny and loving person.

But on the other side of that...if what people are saying bothers you this much (oh gosh please don't take this wrong) then perhaps it may be something you will want to work on.

I use to let EVERYTHING piss me off and I too would be snappy or give attitude or what have you until one day I actually caught a video of myself in the background of something looking pretty pissed off. It was so embarassing to me. I didn't want to be that grumpy person. My dad is like that, my brother is like that and honestly - I HATED (and still do) being around them when they are like that. So...I told myself I wasn't going to be that way. I asked myself is it REALLY worth it for me to be so upset over things. Like getting completely pissed the hell off at someone driving like an idiot did what? It made my blood pressure high. It made me pissy for a good rest of the day. It gave the other driver power over MY day. And for what? That driver wasn't pissy or anything - they were probably perfectly happy and I was stewing over it, allowing it to ruin my day.

If I was in the store and someone was standing too close or cutting in front of me, or brought 905820538 items to the 15 item or less...I'd be pissed. But it's like the car thing. Is it REALLY that big of a deal? I could sit there and be pissed, allow this person to get under my skin, allow this person to make me snap or give attitude - and for what? They are perfectly fine and happy - but I am the one being pissed off - allowing it to ruin my day.

I always have two choices - to allow someone I don't even know to ruin my day - or to take a deep breath and talk myself out of a situation that will not only embarass me but will stay with me for quite some time during the day.

I don't always succeed and it seems like EVERY SINGLE TIME I go into Walmart I am about to go postal - but I do my best to take a deep breath and get through it. I may twitter about it but that is better than jumping on someone who isn't going to give a crap how I feel.

Why do I always write novels?

Anyways - after starting to make different choices on how I'd handle things - I found myself A LOT happier. I am not perfect and things and people piss me off - but I do my best to let strangers do this to me. I learned to ask myself why? Why do I really care if the guy just passed me at 90 on the freeway. Seriously...what does it matter? It doesn't.

{Diamond} said...

Of course you're a nice person, Kimmy! I've never even met you, but all these months (maybe even a year?} that we've been blogging together, I've never noticed one bad vibe from you. Actually, yours is one of the most cheerful, FUNNY, and family-oriented blogs I read! We all have our weak points, otherwise we'd be robots (or we'd be in Pleasantville lol). Those who know you KNOW you're a nice person, and that's all that matters.

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh Kimmy! That is the worst. I get mad a lot too! Like sometimes, I think all I do is YELL at Kaishon. I don't mean to. I mean, for heavens sake, I love that kid SO much, but sometimes the naughtiness is overwhelming! I pray and try to do better and start each day fresh...and yet, I still yell. I think, as long as you try to be the best person you can be every single day people will love you and adore you :)

Stesha said...

Kimmy, I think you are a very sweet person. We all have our moments It's human nature.

Hugs and Mocha,

Nikki B. said...

i've been going through a whole, "who am i?" thing, too. all stemming from one comment from a friend who was just trying to be an asshole! i let it get to me...and questioned my GD existance over it!!!

so, don't let the one hesitation from your mom...make you question who you are. you one of my favorite blogging friends!!

i'm very much the same. i am silly, and love to laugh and joke...but, i can be sensitive. i can get mad easily. i'm working on it.

one thing jake always asks me is "why?" when i flip my top, or freak out over something...i'll rant and rave to him about how pissed i am...and he'll say, "why?"

most times...i can't answer that question...because there really isn't a good reason for me being so upset. i'm getting into the habit of asking myself that question, before i flip my lid!!

i'll let you know if it works!!

Melinda Arnold said...

My Mom once told me I could probably stand to lose a few pounds, she was about 60lb overweight at the time. I glanced at the package of donuts on the counter and vowed to put her into a vegan nursing home. My Dad told me once that I was only nice to people when I wanted something. I was 10.