It all came to a head yesterday. I was talking with my mom last night on the phone and the conversation went something like this:
Me: You think I'm a nice person, right?
Mom: *hesitation* Well, yes honey. You're a nice person.
Me: You think I'm a nice person mom, don't you?!
Then my daughter chimes in by my face into the phone "Mommy's a nice person!!"
(Awww, my precious angel! I do love her so much!)
That was enough for me. It bothered me so much that I called my mom on the way to work to share my feeling and poured my feelings out. Tears and all.
My mom felt so bad and reassured me that she didn't mean it the way it came out. That of course I'm a nice person that I just have my moments. My moments. My MOMENTS?
She said that I get mad easily is all.
Yes, I have a temper! I have German in me. I have a lack of tolerance for ignorance, laziness, lying and just plain rudeness. *sigh*
All day today at work I felt a bit...hmm...taken back by what my mom said and what my dad said. My feeling were hurt. BAD! So that's where I started thinking today.
Even though I have a very bad temper, does that honestly overshadow my otherwise goofy, silly, bubbly, ding dong self? I mean seriously! When I'm gone, are people going to remember me as the "girl who was always getting mad"? I am so sick over this!
Then when I got home from work, I shared my feelings with my husband and asked him the same question. Are people going to remember me as the "girl who was always getting mad"? He said "yes". At that point, I just broke down and needed to be by myself.
I never thought of myself that way. I know I am serious and that I get annoyed and irritated with people but I don't think most of it is without good cause. Sure, maybe I let somethings get to me easier than other times. Just depends on Mother Nature too. Honestly though, I think of myself more so as goofy and bubbly.
Am I having a semi mid-life crisis??? Seriously?!
Now that I've had time to think things out, write my thoughts down and I can think a little more clearly. I know I'm a good person. I am friendly with people. The kids at mydaughters school loves when I go to the school and help out. They even give me hugs. I have a couple BFF's. One who really confided in me and said that I was a good person. That has to account for something, right?! It all turns sour though when someone gets nasty or rude with me and I snap or get an attitude. Sure, maybe I need to relax and not let the small stuff get to me. I am trying, really I am.
Does that really make me not a nice person though? Does that really overshadow the good?
I don't know. I'm completely at a lose right now. Who am I? Am I really who I thought I was? Or am I who everyone apparently sees me as?