I'm not sure if I've told you this but I stress. I stress way too much too. In fact, I've been told by several people that they are surprised I don't have ulcers.
Now, I know I've said how much family means to me. My family is everything to me and when I hear of any problems or illnesses, I start to stress. In fact, the one thing I do not like about myself is I always, and I mean always think the worse. I get these horrible visions in my head of going to my loved ones funeral. Morbid, right? I can't stand that about me. I took after my dad with this. I wish I could be an optimist when it comes to family. Heck, when it comes to anything else, you can call me that....Kim, The Optimist! Put family in the equation, forget it. I love my family and I'm scared to death to lose one of them. That's my greatest fear, to lose a loved one. There, I said it!
So now that you have a glimpse into my personality, you'll understand how I've been feeling the last several days.
My brother, Bobby is a smoker. He's been smoking off and on since he was 14 yrs old. He's now 37 yrs old. He also has this horrible cough from smoking. It's bad. Nothing I've ever heard from anyone else. It's not that regular smoker cough either. It's scares me everytime I hear him cough like that too. He has put on some weight too because he doesn't eat healthy. He eats a lot of fried foods & fast food. He has really bad heartburn that he's had to be put on medication. He also gets migraines (just like my mom and I). To make it worse, when he was born, he had a hole in his heart plus other complications. I love my brother but I don't see a healthy person right now. I constantly bug him to quit smoking and to eat better. I know, I know...wrong thing to do. I know I shouldn't nag him but I'm just really worried. He's my brother and again, I'm afraid to lose him.
So, a couple weeks ago the Patrick Swayze interview was on and it got my parent's worried about my brother and his smoking and eating habits. They expressed their concern to me about him as I did to them. It was brought to my brother's attention and so his wife made an appointment to see the doctor. He went in last week and had chest x-rays done. When the doctor got them back, my brother was notified that something showed up near his aorta so the doctor said he wants to do a CAT scan on him. They just needed to get clearance from his insurance to do so.
Now, after I heard this I instantly started stressing. Those horrible visions popped into my head and imagining my life without my brother. I have a hard time as it is with death when it's a close family friend or acquaintance but for it to be someone as close to me as my own sibling?! I don't know if I could handle that. Just thinking and typing about it is about to bring me to tears.
*Sigh* OK, let's move on. A little bit ago I picked my daughter up from school and then decided to go to the store to pick up dinner. My brother works at the store and he was there. When I saw him he asked if I had talked to mom and I told him earlier this morning I did. I asked why, did he have any news. He said that my mom had news from her doctor regarding him. Apparently when my mom went to see her doctor today, at the end of the visit she asked "What does it mean if there is fatty tissue near the aorta?" The doctor's response, "Ew, not good. It could be blockage." Blockage such as an aortic aneurysm. *SIGH* Here I go again, thinking the worse. I'm so scared and keep praying that everything will be just fine. Everything has to be fine!
I've also noticed a difference in my demeanor because of this stress I'm feeling and I don't like it. At one point when I was driving home from the store, I felt like I was suffocating from the stress. I'm also realizing that I don't have any patience with my daughter right now and it's just not fair to her.
So, I need to ask you guys a really big favor. If you are the praying type, would you please pray for my brother? I would so greatly appreciate it!!! I know prayer works. God always answers my prayers and I have faith in him. When we have financial stress, I pray and he answers. God is good, I know that. The only thing is, when it comes to my loved ones, I fail to be strong. I need the help and the extra prayers to get me through this.
I will keep you all updated. He goes in for his CAT scan on Monday so I'll try not to stress too much until then (yeah, right!).