Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Happy Birthday Grandma!!

It was today, 94 years ago that my grandma was born. What a long life she has lived. She was an Avon lady, someone who loves dancing and being with her friends and family. With the fact that she has dementia, I can't imagine her telling this day any different from yesterday. All I can say is....WOW! 94 years!!

As a child, my brother and I used to go up to her condo in Auburn, CA and stay the night there. She had a roll away couch and my brother and I would sleep underneth it rather than on top. LOL! I remember she would take us to the community swimming pool too and how much Bobby and I loved going there. So many things reminds me of her. From her red Dodge Dart she had to the sound of the news on the AM channels of the radio to her troll doll she had sitting on the dash of her car. Even when my dad divorced our step-mom, my grandma would drive out to Antioch every week to take care of us while my dad was at work and then drive back home for the weekend. This was until my mom and dad got back together when I was 6 years old.

Yesterday I went with my mom to Target to get some stuff for my grandma's birthday. I picked up a card for her also. My parents are taking the gifts to her today. I keep debating on going over there after work today. I know, that sounds terrible. I love my grandma very much!! However, I have a hard time dealing with old people. I'm not sure if it's the fact that getting old scares me or what, but now that my grandma has dementia, she doesn't remember who I am which makes it even harder for me to go and visit her. I have told my parents this and have asked my mom to go with me so that I can visit her. She said that she would but things keep coming up that I haven't made my way over to see her in months. I constantly think of her and hoping my procrastination doesn't get in the way before it's too late. I'm the type of person that always thinks "If only I had". I don't want that burden lurking over me the rest of my life.

My grandma lives in an assisted living home in Antioch. We moved her out here a couple years ago from her home in Auburn. She was just not capable of living on her own anymore. Over these last couple years, my mom and dad have said she is just getting worse. I just talked to my dad a couple days ago and he said that my grandma has to more or less be forced out of bed. She'll stay in there all day if she could. That's just not good and it saddens me to know that I may not have much longer with her.

I know I need to get over my fear of being around old people and just take my family to go see her. I want Sabrina to remember her and I don't want to be the blame for not taking her to see her great-grandma. As I am typing this, I keep thinking to myself "I can do this. Go visit her today, for her birthday." It's just so heartbreaking to see her this way. I know I need to just put those feelings aside and see her before it IS to late.


The Adventures of France & Deirdre said...

I know what you mean. Deirdre got to meet her great-grandma (my dad's mom) when she was 9 months old. We all flew out to New York to see her. I am glad, cause it was the last time I got to see her too. She passed away right before my birthday in 2004, I believe. I had only seen her 4 times in my life. You will know when the time is right to go see her. Love ya!

Denise said...

Well...did you end up going? If you didn't - don't beat yourself up. It's okay for you to have a hard time with it. Old people, assisted living homes and death freaked me out too. They still do to a degree. If your mom gets too busy to go with you - what about Paul? If not, I will even go with you! I don't know your grandma but I do know the importance of at least doing it. I know it will be hard and she may not even recognize you - but that memory will be with you forever. You don't have to stay long - in fact, she may not know you are there and 5-10 minutes may be all you need. But I know it will make you feel better.

BUT...if you can't do it...don't beat yourself up. We all handle these things differently. You may prefer to hold on to those precious memories you wrote about and keep those close rather than seeing her how she is now - and there is NOTHING wrong with that!!

I know it's such a hard decision and I am here if you need someone to go with you or just someone to talk to!